The One That Got Away
by Rule12H8r
Summary: AU to A Desperate Man. Tiva/Ray. Warning: Character death, sad. Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS or the characters. Read, review, and enjoy! I don't really know what to rate this, so I'm just rating it T because I'm paranoid.
1. Chapter 1

ZIva stepped into her home and slipped her coat off her shoulders, hanging it in her closet. Today would have been his birthday. There wasn't a day that went by without her thinking of him, wishing more than anything else in the world that he was with her. That he could be there to hold her in his arms and tell her he loves her one more time.

"How was work?" Ray called out from the lounge.

"It was fine." She replied, continuing her way past him without sparing him even a glance. Days like these were often, the days when she couldn't bare to look at her second best choice, now her only choice.

Ray released a sigh. He knew that she missed Tony, that if his wife could go back to that day fifteen years ago and pick Tony instead, she would do it in a heartbeat.

Ziva sat on the edge of her bed upstairs and mourned, reminding herself of what happened.

Ziva was talking to Tony about Ray's proposal after work. Tony tried to remain calm and joke around, but then as they stepped out of the elevator and into the parking lot that night it hit him. If she says yes, that's it. Ziva David, the love of his life, his dream girl, his partner and best friend, his soul mate would be getting married. When she thought of the best days of her life, when she remembered walking down that isle in the long white dress he pictured her in it wouldn't be him standing there waiting at the end. No, she would walk right past him in his seat without a second thought, into another man's arms.

Tony knew he could never bare to live with the regret of never telling her, and he knew if she was married he never would.

"Ziva?" He finally gathered the courage to say.

"Yes Tony?" Ziva asked concerned, noting the seriousness and worry in his voice.

"Before you answer his question I want you to answer mine."

"Alright." She answered, plain and simple. No hesitation. Anything he needed to know she would tell him.

Tony took a deep breath first. "Do you love me?" He rushed out.

Anything, except for that.

Ziva stopped walking and stood in her place, not moving. She was frozen in shock and felt like if she opened her mouth to speak she would break out in tears.

Her bottom lip shook and her eyes were scared. Tony, just from her reaction knew the answer. Of course she did. She always had, but now she didn't know what to do.

Ziva wasn't surprised that Tony so easily found the reason Ziva waited to tell Ray her answer. Mentally, Ziva tried to calm herself, but while it calmed her reaction it didn't help her mind.

She knew that she was in love with the man standing next to her, but she loved Ray as well. She just wasn't sure if she was _in _love with Ray. Either way, she knew how bad it would hurt her and break her heart to have to leave Ray.

Ziva also knew that she couldn't be married to Ray when she wanted Tony like she did. It wouldn't be fair to any of them, not Ray, or Tony, or even herself.

Ziva gained enough control over herself to speak.

"I don't know what to do Tony." She whispered so softly he could barely hear her, her voice shaking as the words came out. "I can't do this to him, but I don't want to let you go."

Ziva's lips quivered again and Tony wrapped his arms around her, doing his best to comfort her. He hated seeing her like this, scared and vulnerable as opposed to the typically strong closed off woman she normally was. Right now if it was up to him he would bring her home, sit her down on his couch, and watch a silly movie with her over her favorite tea and some take-out. But he knows that would only make her decision harder right now. Tony would never put her through that.

"Tony," Ziva sobbed into his shoulder. "What do I do?

Tony, however, felt like he couldn't be the one to answer this question and wanted her to come to the decision on her own to keep her from ever having any regrets.

"You have to do what you think is right Zi. Do what you feel is best for you. Just you, don't worry about me, don't worry about him. This is all about you right now. Okay?" He replied gently, trying to calm her.

"But that is two different things Tony, to think and to feel." She was looking into his eyes now, but still clinging to him just as tightly. "You think with your mind, you feel with your heart." Ziva stopped at that for a moment to collect herself enough to continue, Tony of course knew that she wasn't done and waited patiently for her to finish.

"My mind is telling me to let go of you, drive to Ray's house and tell him yes. My mind tells me that he is safe and that he is finally offering the something permanent I have been looking for when I came here." Tony sucked in a worried breath as that. "But my heart, my heart is telling me to go and stay with you tonight. It is telling me that I should spend the night lying in your arms, in your bed, with you and only you."

"Well which do you need?" Tony asked, afraid to hear the answer. "You have to do what's best for you."

They stood there for a while longer as Ziva collected her thoughts. Tony knew that when she spoke again she would have her answer. Her final answer.

It was almost ten minutes before she answered.

"I- I don't think I can" Ziva cleared her throat, trying to remove the lump that was that the crying put there. Ziva realized this was probably the most she had ever cried, especially in front of someone else, since she was a very little girl. "I don't think I can give up a yearlong relationship, with the promise of a lifetime for something that hasn't even begun. Not for something that I don't know will work out." Ziva was looking him directly in the eyes as she spoke, knowing that it was better that way. If she didn't he would want her to repeat it looking into his eyes, and this wasn't something she would be able to do twice. Ziva could barely say it once.

Ziva leant up and placed the lightest kiss onto his lips, sealing what had just come out of hers.

"I'm sorry Tony I jus-" before she finished her words Tony cut her off, pasting what she knew was a fake smile.

"I get it Zi. You need permanent and you don't think I can give you that. Trust me, I get it. Go tell Ray the good news." Tony could feel a lump building in his throat as well, but he pushed it down. He knew he would always do whatever was best for Ziva. If this was what she wanted he would put on a brave face for her. "Good night, Zi."

Ziva's mouth was partly open in shock before she quickly masked it up and gave her best friend one last squeeze. Maybe if she knew it would be the last touch they ever really had she wouldn't have let go.


	2. Chapter 2

While Tony sat in his apartment, alone with none of the lights on, drinking away his sorrows Ziva was sitting in her car outside of Ray's place. Ziva was still in shock and moving in a blur as the night went on. She continued to feel more and more lost, although she didn't know why. She simply put it off to what a big leap this was for her.

Ziva got out of the car and went the drive to Ray's front door. She had a key, but in her odd state she knocked instead. Through the door she could hear the rustle of movement and then the door opened to see Ray's curious face.

"Yes." Was all Ziva said, but it was enough for a smile to light up his face. He wrapped his arms around her and she couldn't help but notice how cold and empty they felt compared to the warmth and comfort of Tony's. She, however, shook the thought away and hugged her fiancé back.

"This is great Ziva! We're getting married!" Ray exclaimed, ending with a strong kiss to her lips. He lifted her up off her feet and she giggled in response.

Ray carried Ziva to her room and the two celebrated the new stage of their relationship.

Tony however was in far from a celebratory mood. By now he was completely wasted and wouldn't think twice about doing what he really wanted to do. That night Tony DiNozzo got in the car, in a drunken oblivion, and attempted to drive to Ray's apartment and get his soul mate back. He would do whatever it took to change her mind, but he never got the chance.

He was just down the block from his destination when he swerved off the road, slamming into a streetlamp. The force knocked the streetlamp off of the ground and it came tumbling down on top of his car.

Sparks flew and blood spilled from the side of his head where the lamp struck him through the top of his car and from his right leg bent in an ungodly angle. He let out a pained scream before the last of his life slipped away from him.

Inside Ziva was lying wide awake beside a sleeping Ray. She lie wearing an Ohio State t-shirt and boxer shorts she kept there and realized she regretted her decision. She reached over and grabbed a pen and paper off of the bedside table. She was just about to sneak out of the room, but a large crashing sound had him jumping up in worry out of the bed. He stood in his boxers and looked around. Ziva stood as well, wondering what happened. It wasn't until she heard a familiar voice screaming out into the night that she rushed out the door.

"Call 911!" She shouted to Ray on her way out.

Ziva knees went weak and her feet gave out underneath her as she collapsed to the ground in the street. She stared through blurred eyes with her hands clasped over her mouth. Sitting in front of her, encased in a wall of flames. She knew just from the sight of the pole sitting directly above the driver's side of the car and the heat radiating around the car she had rode in countless times, that her partner, the man she loved more than anything else in her life, was gone forever.

Ziva rode with the ambulance to the hospital and stayed there through the night; long after Gibbs and the rest of the team came and left. Ray followed the ambulance there, but left when they were told he was gone. He stood and kissed Ziva on the forehead, but she shrunk away from his touch. Ray knew that they were close, but was at a loss for words when she pulled away from him like that.

Ray understood though when he got home and crawled into bed. He, after all, couldn't not notice the paper that crinkled under him when he sat down. Seeing Ziva's handwriting made him curious and he picked it up to see what it said.

_Ray,_

_Before you read this I want to remind you that I do love you. You have been good to me and mean very much to me. It pains me to say this, and I wish I didn't have to choose between the two of you, but I must. By now you are obviously awake and I am gone now. I'm sorry Ray, but I can't live with the guilt of marrying you when I am in love with Tony. I hope you find someone who loves you as much as I do him. You are an amazing guy Ray._

_I still love you, but I don't think I am in love with you._

_Goodbye Ray._

_Love,_

_Ziva_

Ray crumbled the paper and tossed it into the garbage bin. Ray's mind was jumbled with thoughts of doubt, but in the end he knew he would never leave Ziva. He would never tell her about the note he found that day.

Now, ten years later and Ziva still wallowed in regret. She would never stop loving Anthony D. DiNozzo. Every day she sat at work, every little thing a reminder that he was gone. The bathrooms were a reminder of the talks they saved for in there, the break room a reminder not of Ray's promise, but of her and Tony's conversation about soul mates. The strongest reminder of course was having to stare across the bullpen day in and day out at his desk. Even when the desk was filled by probie after probie, all leaving after hardly a week since they just didn't seem adequate, it would always be Tony's desk and, even though she Tim was like a brother to her and he was still her partner as well, Tony would always be her first choice as to who would have her back.

She knew now though, that he wouldn't be able to do that anymore. He was gone, and today was just another strong reminder of that.

Today was one of the hardest days she's had in a long time. Harder than the pain that clenched her heart every other day.

That day she did as she did every year on this day and, without telling Ray, would have the team cover for her at work while she spent the day with Tony. Ziva started the day visiting the cemetery. She spent the afternoon back at work, but didn't exactly get anything done. She just stared around at all of the reminders of him that surrounded her. Tonight, she knew, she would go to Gibbs' house and watch some of Tony's favorite movies with him, McGee, Abby, Jimmy, and Ducky.

Ziva saw now the she would rather have another day with her something special than a lifetime with her something permanent.


End file.
